'black spider' memos reveal the Royal Family are lizard people

A collection of secret memos sent by Prince Charles to UK ministers has revealed once and for all that the British Royal Family are in fact so called lizard people .

A long freedom of information battle between the press and the Government led to the release of these black spider letters, named after the blood of spiders that Prince Charles uses in lieu of ink.

These memos, written between September 2004 and April 2005, were sent to a number of high profile Government individuals, including then Prime Minister Tony Blair. The contents of these letters vary, although the majority discuss the fact that Prince Charles and the rest of the Royal Family are not actually homo sapiens, but a group of humanoid lizards intent on ruling the United Kingdom and the other Commonwealth realms in disguise.

I do urge you to reconsider the decision to introduce a cricket cull, the Prince wrote to the Prime Minister in March 2005. As a lizard person myself, the majority of my diet comes from eating crickets, and to see them removed from our countryside would only make the Royal Family angry, which I assure you would not be pleasant.

In another letter to the former Secretary of State for Health, Prince Charles writes: I wonder if the NHS could look into how one might go about preventing mother s tail falling off during the Jubilee celebrations.

Despite the publication of these memos, which constitute a signed confession from Prince Charles that his entire family are in fact responsible for the death of princess Diana, as she was about to expose them, sources close to the royals have been keen to quash rumours.

One long tongued spokesperson for the palace said: His Reptilian Highness, I mean, His Royal Highness, is certainly not a lizard person at all, and the notion that the Royal Family are power-crazed scaled creatures is absolutely absurd.

Prince Charles has yet to comment following the release of these letters, as he ignored the press waiting outside Buckingham Palace earlier today, before curling up under a lightbulb and licking his own eye.

Contributed by Joe Farrar

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