Monthly Archive: December 2015

Post Doctoral Researcher/Research Fellow (Lero)

Reports to: Principal Investigator Contract type: Specific Purpose Salary: Post-doctoral Researcher ‘ 37,750 ‘ 46,255 p.a. Research Fellow: ‘ 51,716 ‘ 56,442 p.a. Job Description Qualifications: Doctoral degree (level 10NFQ) (or near completion) in Software Engineering/Computing or equivalent is required for appointment to postdoctoral researcher.

Doctoral degree (level 10NFQ) in Software Engineering/Computing or equivalent is required for appointment to research fellow. Overall purpose of the job: Lero, the Irish Software Research Centre, has an opening for a visionary, committed, and productive researchers to work in the areas of software engineering for adaptive systems, with a focus on security and privacy ( The successful candidates will work on research projects based in Lero at the University of Limerick, Ireland, and collaborating with fellow researchers in Lero, with industrial research partners, and with colleagues at The Open University, UK. The successful candidates will work on research projects on adaptive security and privacy, based in Lero at the University of Limerick, Ireland, and collaborating with fellow researchers in Lero, with Irish industrial research partners, and with colleagues at The Open University, UK.

The research work lies at the intersection of three areas software engineering, security & privacy, and adaptive/ubiquitous systems and skills or experience in at least two of them would be highly desirable. Essential Doctoral degree (level 10NFQ) (or near completion) in Software Engineering/Computing or equivalent is required for appointment to postdoctoral researcher. Doctoral degree (level 10NFQ) in Software Engineering/Computing or equivalent is required for appointment to research fellow.

Knowledge and experience of software engineering, engineering adaptive systems, or security and privacy Demonstrated ability to produce international, peer-reviewed research publications Excellent communication and presentation skills Desirable Demonstrated ability to work on Software Engineering, Ubiquitous Computing, and Security & Privacy. Demonstrated ability to develop software prototypes for demonstrating or evaluating research results. Experience working with industry or industry researchers Demonstrated experience of working effectively in a research team as well as independently.

A creative interest in developing new research agenda within the scope of the project.

Candidates are encouraged to contact Professor Bashar Nuseibeh by email [email protected] to discuss the positions.

Please include a CV in your email.

Hertford County deputies catch suspects after manhunt

Cofield, N.C. Deputies caught three men after a manhunt that started around 4 a.m. Thursday.

Authorities say a woman called the sheriff s office around 3 a.m., saying that she was robbed by three men and they stole her keys. She was not injured. The three men fled after the suspect vehicle was stuck in Winton, North Carolina near King Street.

Two of the men were found in a wooded area in Winton. The third man was found on a river raft. He was taken to a hospital.

There is no word on his condition.

The two uninjured suspects are waiting to be processed in Hertford County Jail.

There is no information on charges at this time.

Uber, Lyft driver plans to sue Norfolk airport

Related Coverage NORFOLK, Va. (WAVY) For several weeks the battle between car service Uber and Norfolk International Airport has been at a standstill. They have just a few days to get a deal together before the state steps in. Until then, there is still bad blood and one driver says he was caught in the middle.

Lyft is allowed to go because they paid the ransom, attorney Gary C. Byler said. Uber hasn t paid the ransom so they re not allowed to go.

It s very clear. Byler can t hide his feelings on the airport cab dispute. It s an issue that he said directly hurt his client, Lyft and Uber driver Jimmy Frost.

In November, Byler s client drove to the Norfolk Airport to drop passengers off while driving for Lyft. When he pulled up airport security saw the Uber sticker on his car. They yanked him out of the car and detained him, Byler said.

Basically they falsely imprisoned him. Byler said airport security didn t hold his client for long, but he feels the airport authority violated his client s rights in doing it. If they had a problem with Mr.

Frost their options should have been to perhaps file a civil suit or have some sort of discussion on a mutually advantageous basis, Byler said. Instead Frost will file a civil suit. This suit is about trying to get some clear written policies, Byler said.

This way the hardworking folks who help deliver and pick up our air transport will know what the rules are.

10 On Your Side called the airport authority to discuss the policies, but the Deputy Executive Director said they will not discuss current or pending litigation. If there is an issue here it needs to be a civil one, Byler said. They should not have the authority to remove folks and to detain them.

Byler plans to file the lawsuit on behalf of Jimmy Frost next week.

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Online Pretty News: Auburn Football: Players to Watch in High …

11/30/2013 Alabama vs Auburn Football Highlights As the calendar turns to 2016, it”s time to pay extra special attention to the recruiting trail on the Plains as head coach Gus Malzahn tries to tie a bow on what is a critical class for the future of the Auburn football program. Several Auburn commits and targets will be on the field participating in all-star games over the next two weekends during the U.S. Army All-American Bowl(Saturday, Jan.

9 at noon ET on NBC) and Under Armour All-America Game(Saturday, Jan.

2 at noon ET on ESPN2). Who should Tiger fans keep an eye on during the annual events? Woody Barrett, Dual-Threat QB, Under Armour All-America Game The quarterback position has been a major point of contention on the Plains over the last three months, as Jeremy Johnson shed “future star” status in place of the more notorious “bust” label, was replaced by Sean White after just three games and was re-inserted down the stretch after White suffered multiple injuries.

Who”s the answer to Auburn”s quarterback blues? Junior college transfer John Franklin III could be the immediate fix, but the long-term solution is likely dual-threat quarterback Woody Barrett from West Orange High School in Orlando, Floridahome of the Under Armour All-America Game. The 4-star prospect has been committed to the Tigers since June 3, andalong with Franklinserves as another sign that Malzahn recognizes that his push to prove that his offense works with pro-style quarterbacks as well as those who can run has been put on the back burner, and the head coach of the Tigers is reverting back to more mobile signal-callers.

Barrett is a perfect fit for that kind of Malzahn offense. “There are a lot of people looking forward to me stepping up and being the guy,” Barrett told”s Wesley Sinor earlier in December. “So I just humble myself and come in and do what I can… We run a similar offense back at West Orange so there”s nothing new. It”s just the signals.

So once I get that down pat, I can be come and be the dual-threat and be me.” Tiger fans could get a glimpse of the future when Barrett steps on the field in Orlando. Antwuan Jackson, Defensive Tackle, U.S. Army All-American Bowl Games are won and lost in the trenches, and Antwuan Jackson is likely to be one of the guys setting the down up front for the Tigers for the next few seasons.

The 6″2″, 285-pound commit from Ellenwood, Georgia, will take the field in San Antonio, Texas, on Jan.

9 looking to show off his versatility, strength and agility against the best in the class of 2016. The 4-star prospect was part of Auburn”s December surge on the recruiting trail despite the absence of a defensive coordinator. He has the size and strength to play right away for the 2016 Tigers and the ability to move up and down the line based on situation and team need.

The Tigers lose DaVonte Lambert to graduation and could see tackle Montravius Adams head to the NFL if he gets a favorable grade from the NFL. Jackson could join forces with current freshman defensive end Byron Cowart and create the new identity for the Tiger front regardless of who takes the vacant coordinator position. As an early enrollee, Jackson will have the chance to come in right away and contend for playing time either as a starter or an ever-important rotational tackle.

Marlon Davidson, Defensive End, Under Armour All-America Game Jackson is going to be part of the future of Auburn”s interior line, but only one part of it. Marlon Davidson, a 5-star defensive end commit from Montgomery, Alabama, will also be a big part of the future of the Tiger defense. A commit since September, the 6″4″, 260-pounder has the speed and quickness of a 4-3 edge-rusher but the size to drop down inside and play closer to the ball.

Simply put, he”s as much of a Carl Lawson clone as there is in the class, and he will be following Lawson”s footsteps to the Plains. He signed financial aid papers with the Tigers this month, and, like Jackson, will enroll in January with a chance to earn immediate playing time as a freshman after a full offseason learning the system. A full nine months in a college strength and conditioning program for a player who”s already built like a veteran will work wonders for his development and give the new staff options on where and how they use him in 2016 and beyond.

Nate Craig-Myers, Wide Receiver, Under Armour All-America Game Nate Craig-Myers, a former Auburn commit and 5-star wide receiver prospect from Tampa, has a recruiting story that”s all over the place. Whether it”s Auburn, Florida State, Ole Miss or another school, the 6″2″, 205-pounder is shaping up to be one of the most intriguing recruiting stories down the stretch in 2016. He has tremendous hands, is physical at the line of scrimmage and will be a difference-maker from Day 1 wherever he signs.

His performance in the All-America game won”t matter in terms of where he lands, but it will be the nation”s first big glance at what the future superstar brings to the table. Jayvaughn Myers, Cornerback/Athlete, Under Armour All-America Game Does the landing spot for Craig-Myers depend on what his half-brother Jayvaughn Myers does? That remains to be seen.

At the very least, though, they will go through important aspects of the recruiting process together. Myers, a 4-star cornerback/athlete from Dade City, Florida, will visit the Plains in mid-January once the recruiting dead period comes to a close with Craig-Myers. Even if they aren”t a package deal, though, keep an eye on Myers.

The 6″1″, 185-pounder has quick hips, great body control and tremendous recovery speed. A bigger corner, Myers is physical at the line of scrimmage and has the potential to play anywhere in the secondary thanks to his size and strength. Auburn found a potential star in SEC All-Freshman cornerback Carlton Davis last recruiting cycle, and if it lands Myers, he could be one candidate to follow in Davis” footsteps.

John Broussard, Cornerback, Under Armour All-America Game The departure of former defensive coordinator Will Muschamp and defensive backs coach Travaris Robinson shook the ground a little bit for 4-star cornerback commit John Broussard. In the end, though, he became part of Auburn”s December defensive surge when he signed financial aid papers in December to enroll early with the Tigers. At 6″0″, 164 pounds, Broussard is one of the best cornerbacks in the class of 2016 and a huge piece of the recruiting puzzle for Malzahn.

He has elite cover skills, tremendous quickness, and the native of Phenix City, Alabama, could become an instant impact player on the Plains. As Will Sammon of theOpelika-Auburn Newspointed out, Broussard doesn”t lack confidence. He issued a challenge to New York Giants star receiver Odell Beckham Jr.

in August saying that the former LSU stud could only catch two of five passes one-on-one against him. That”s the kind of confidence cornerbacks need. But before he goes up against the best the NFL has to offer, showing out against his peers in high school in Orlando will be his first major test.

Landon Dickerson, Offensive Tackle, Under Armour All-America Game Auburn is in the market for some help at offensive tackle, and 4-star, Hudson, North Carolina, native Landon Dickerson might be the next in line on the Plains. The 6″5″, 293-pounder visited the program over Iron Bowl weekend, which seemed to make a big impact on him. “It”s been a really busy season for us, so I thought coming to this game would probably be the best chance to witness what the atmosphere would be like,” he told Wesley Sinor of “I was very impressed with what I saw. Overall I know they didn”t win, but just seeing the fans and how they reacted the entire game was really great to see and a great thing to witness.” There are a lot of other teams after Dickerson, including Virginia Tech, Florida State and Tennessee, but Auburn appears to be making a late push.

On the field, Dickerson will get a chance to show off his quickness and strength against some of the best defensive ends in a class stacked with talent at that position. If he holds his own, that”s a great sign for a player who could become a star early in his college career. Quotes were obtained firsthand unless otherwise noted.

Statistics are courtesy, and recruiting information is courtesy of247Sports. Barrett Sallee is the lead SEC college football writer and national college football video analyst for Bleacher Report as well as a host on Bleacher Report Radio onSiriusXM83. Follow Barrett on [email protected]


Leaving 2015 Behind, Will 2016 See Oil Rebound?

In the last article of the year, we start with some key figures from the oil and gas industry. (Click to enlarge) (Click to enlarge) The oil and gas industry, along with its investors, are no doubt happy to close the books on 2015, one of the worst years in recent memory. But it is unclear if 2016 will prove to be a better one for the industry. U.S.

crude inventories dropped by 6 million barrels for the week ending on December 18, the largest drawdown in weeks. But that was followed up by a solid gain of nearly 3 million barrels the next week, so it is too early to say whether or not we are at another inflection point. Winter heating demands could provide an extra source of demand moving forward.

For now, the oil markets are floundering around without direction. In fact, a new report 1 from Scotiabank Economics finds that oil prices could remain below $50 per barrel for another two years. Scotiabank projects oil prices to average no more than US$40-45 per barrel for 2016 and US$45-50 per barrel in 2017.

While price estimates like this should always be viewed with some skepticism, if Scotiabank is correct, it would be a dire result and would likely mean that many drillers won t be around in 2017. Just before the New Year, the Saudi government unveiled a budget 2 plan for 2016, projecting a deficit of 326 billion riyals ($87 billion), or 16 percent of GDP. The figure is an improvement over the 2015 deficit of 367 billion riyals.

But with oil accounting for three-quarters of government revenue, the budget situation has deteriorated: oil revenue is down 23 percent. The government of King Salman also says that it will gradually trim energy subsidies, which drain public money. They may also look at privatizing some state-owned assets in several sectors.

Related: Competition Within OPEC Set To Intensify Amid Low Oil Prices 3 Russia too is suffering from low oil prices. Russia s ruble declined to its lowest level for the year in the waning days of 2015, as oil prices flounder in the mid-$30s. The ruble has been volatile since crude prices began declining in 2014, and it has lost one fifth of its value this year.

The Russian central bank stopped the decline of the ruble a year ago by hiking interest rates temporarily to 17 percent. The bank dropped interest rates once the ruble stabilized, but with the currency s value down to about the same levels as the previous lows, speculation is rising about how the Russian central bank will respond. But having blown through a big chunk of foreign exchange, the central bank is reluctant to continue to spend resources propping up the ruble.

In November, Russia s GDP shrank at a 4 percent annualized rate, a worsening situation than the 3.7 percent rate in October. If the oil price remains at the current level for half a year or a year, then we ll see the economic decline extended, former Russian Finance Minister Alexey Kudrin told Interfax 4 news service on Monday. We can t say that the peak of problems has passed.

In the U.S., the bankruptcy rate should pick up as we head into the New Year. U.S. banks exposed to bad energy loans are also starting to come under increased scrutiny.

The U.S. Federal Reserve conducts stress tests on banks that have over $50 billion in assets, and the upcoming reviews will be closely watched to see if bad debt starts to hurt bank balance sheets. For big banks, energy debt is not a major concern.

But Wells Fargo recently raised concerns about the banking industry being exposed. Federal banking regulators said in November that the number of loans in danger of default is five times higher 5 than a year ago. Related: OPEC Expects U.S.

Oil Production To Rise In 2016 Really? 6 We close out the year with a bout of extreme weather in several places around the world. In the North Sea near Norway, severe storms 7 force oil companies to evacuate some drilling platforms and shut in production. BP (NYSE: BP) and ConocoPhillips (NYSE: COP) had temporarily idled production at some locations.

But the worst disaster took place at a rig owned by China Oilfield Services Ltd and operated by Statoil (NYSE: STO), a rig that had been drilling the Troll field in the North Sea. A large wave hit the rig, killing one person and injuring two more. The giant gas field did not see production affected, however.

Thus far, it is unclear how extensive the disruption in supply from other fields really is, or how that might affect benchmark prices in the North Sea. Iraqi security forces have recaptured 8 most of Ramadi from ISIS, a key Iraqi city in al-Anbar province. Forcing ISIS fighters to retreat and retaking important government buildings is a major victory for the Iraqi government, which has struggled to beat back ISIS since the group burst onto the scene in mid-2014.

Gaining control of Ramadi will also cut off a supply route to Fallujah, another city under ISIS control. Fallujah sits between Ramadi and Baghdad. The event is a positive development for Iraq and coalition forces in their campaign against ISIS.

Related: $10 Trillion Investment Needed To Avoid Massive Oil Price Spike Says OPEC 9 The outlook for oil markets in 2016 is just as murky as most of 2015 has been. WTI and Brent close out the year at relative parity in the mid-$30s per barrel. Oil storage levels are high both in the U.S.

and around the world. Production is not declining from OPEC, and in the U.S., output is only slightly down at this point. Demand was high in 2015, but will drop off in 2016.

The early signs of softening demand growth are already coming into view. Iran is expected to bring oil production back to the market, which could offset expected declines in the U.S. Goldman Sachs says oil may have to drop into the $20s in order for the necessary contraction to take place.

On the other hand, the state of oil is not all negative. The optimistic view is that oil companies continue to find ways to reduce costs, even if further efficiency gains are becoming harder to achieve. But, taking a multi-year view on oil, it is important to remember that prices are unsustainably low.

Output is going to need to be shut in, and prices will rebound. Depletion will overwhelm new sources of supply. Stronger companies could emerge better off on the rebound as the industry consolidates to a more sustainable size.

Moreover, it is possible that the drastic cutbacks in investment today will only lead to a much larger price spike two or three years down the road. That presents opportunities for investors. By Evan Kelly of More Top Reads From Join the discussion 10 References ^ report ( ^ budget ( ^ Related: Competition Within OPEC Set To Intensify Amid Low Oil Prices ( ^ told Interfax ( ^ five times higher ( ^ Related: OPEC Expects U.S.

Oil Production To Rise In 2016 Really? ( ^ severe storms ( ^ recaptured ( ^ Related: $10 Trillion Investment Needed To Avoid Massive Oil Price Spike Says OPEC ( ^ Join the discussion (

Nautical News: Top Nautical Stories of 2015

1) EL FARO CAGO SHIP WITH 33 CREW LOST AT SEA IN BERMUDA TRIANGLE A life ring, a container, and a badly beaten body in a survival suit were the only things found from the sunken 735 foot cargo ship El Faro. All 33 crewmen went down with the ship in the Bermuda Triangle after taking a direct hit from Hurricane Joaquin. Of the 33 crew, 28 were Americans 4 of them were from New England.

The last word from the ship came in a message to the Coast Guard that the ship had lost propulsion, was listing 15 degrees, and taking on water. The Coast Guard searched an 1,125 square mile area hoping to find survivors. The El Faro departed from Jacksonville, Florida and was headed for San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Coast Captain Mark Fedor filed a report.

2) HULL, MASSACHUSETTS BECOMES NATION S 21st COAST GUARD CITY 3) COUNCIL VOTES AGAINST DHRA FISHING BAN The New England Fishery Management Council voted 13 to 4 to drop from consideration the proposed 55-square-mile zone in Stellwagen Bank that would have banned all recreational fishing. The ban, which was strongly supported by the Stellwagen Bank National Marine Sanctuary management, was a major topic for months on Nautical Talk Radio. We kept saying it was based on flawed science and misrepresentations.

Several Council members stated that they had never received so much correspondence and testimony on a single issue of fishery management.

4) SHIPWRECK FOUND ON NANTASKET BEACH A couple of guys with metal detectors searching for coins and jewelry on Nantasket Beach discovered an old shipwreck. What was first thought to be a 19th century vessel 30 feet long turned out to be a vessel 30 feet in width and at least 100 feet long. A team of Coast Guard volunteers dug almost completely around the top side of the hull along with Victor Mastone, Massachusetts chief underwater marine archeologist.

First the wreck was there, and then a month later they couldn t find it.

5) COAST GUARD CUTTER JAMES NAMED AFTER LEGEND The Coast Guard names its larger cutters after legends. The Coast Guard Cutter James is named after the legendary life saver Joshua James, who is credited with saving more than 600 lives when he was the keeper of the U.S. Lifesaving Station at Point Allerton in Hull.

The 418 foot long ship will be one of the most technologically advanced ships in the Coast Guard fleet. With a crew of 117, the ship has a cruising range of 12,000 miles. The Legend Class National Security Cutter was commissioned at the Boston Coast Guard base this past summer.

6) BOATS BURN IN QUINCY With dreams of a life on the water, Justin Lowery and Tamara Silvia sold most of their belongings this summer and bought a boat to live on. Their new home went up in flames along with 9 or 10 other boats in a fast moving fire at the Captain s Cove Marina in Quincy. I spoke with Justin Lowery.


8) TESTIMONY ABOUT CONSOLIDATION OF THE FISHING FLEET During a New England Fisheries Management Council meeting at the Raddisson Hotel in Plymouth, former Patriots football player Jarvis Green testified against the current management system known as catch shares and a group known as the Northwest Atlantic Marine Alliance brought dozens of college students to stage a protest rally. Inshore fishermen claimed that under catch shares, the bigger offshore boats were allowed to fish closer to shore to satisfy their quotas.

Here is local fisherman Ed Barrett.

9) OBAMA RELAXED THE SANCTIONS ON CUBA President Obama relaxed diplomatic relations with Cuba allowing American boaters to visit Cuba. There are also direct airplane flights from Miami to Cuba. Hingham Harbormaster Ken Corson told Nautical Talk Radio what it was like to visit Cuba earlier this year.


11) OBAMA CREATES TWO NEW MARINE SANCTUARIES One in the tidal waters of Maryland and the other in Lake Michigan 12) CHANGE AT TOP OF MASSACHUSETTS DMF Paul Diodati retired from his position as the Director of the Massachusetts Division of Marine Fisheries. Diodati was appointed the Director of Marine Fisheries in 2000. Prior to his appointment, he was the state s chief striped bass biologist.

Dr. David Pierce became the new leader of the state s Division of Marine Fisheries. Here is a message from the new director s office.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: LONG ISLAND BRIDGE DEMOLSIHED The winning bidder for the job, the Walsh Construction company, had estimated the cost of the demolition to be a little over 20 1/2 million dollars. Explosives were used to take down the 3500 foot long bridge. Ferry boats from Hingham and Hull were diverted around Long Island while the bridge was demolished last Spring The detour added three to six minutes to each trip.

Workers are now rebuilding the footings of the old bridge in anticipation of building a new bridge. DREDGING MARSHFIELD AND COHASSET HARBORS OFFSHORE WIND FARM BUILT OFF RHODE ISLAND UNDERWATER GENERATORS INSTALLED IN CAPE COD CANAL COSTA CONCORDIA CAPTAIN SENTENCED TO 16 YEARS The former captain of the Costa Concordia cruise liner was convicted of multiple manslaughters, causing the crash, and abandoning his passengers after he wrecked the ship off the Italian island Giglio in which 32 people died. Prosecutors wanted a jail term of 26 years, but the judge sentenced Francesco Schettino to 16 years in jail.

However, Schettino will not go to jail nor be placed under house arrest before the end of Italy s long appeals process, which could take years.

Palos Verdes' new Police Chief vs.

Bay Boys

Lunada Bay you know it? Even if yes, you ve never surfed it. For how much time it has spent in Californian news, Lunada Bay remains the state s most localised spot.

For decades, nobody but a tight crew of locals has been allowed to surf there. Try to paddle out, or even walk down there, and you ll be asked not so nicely to leave, probably have some rocks hurled in your direction, and maybe even some fists depending on how much you try and tango. You ll no doubt remember that video of a rock being thrown at a drone (watch above).

To add to the fun, local law enforcement has long been accused of turning a blind eye to this kind of play. Earlier this year, a dispatcher at the police station was caught on camera by The Guardian saying: We know all of them. They are infamous around here.

There was a peaceful protest there last year but the Lunada gang have such a pinch on the place that even when called to rally, non-immediate locals were too concerned for their boards and cheekbones, and the 25-strong paddle out made little difference. However, Palos Verdes just scored a new police chief by the name of Jeff Kepley. And like any time a new position of power is filled, its new occupant shakes his/her fist and shouts about change.

According to a long-winded piece in the LA Times 1 , Kepley is a little furious. I m not so naive to believe that we can solve this instantly or overnight, Kepley said. It took 50 years to get here.

Hopefully, it won t take that long to resolve, but I think it s very important to get the word out as aggressively and enthusiastically as we can that the status quo is going to be mixed up around here. We will make an example out of anyone who behaves criminally down there. Translation: Some patrols added to the coast, and some officers working overtime.

And, Kepley said he hopes to make the first arrest in years of one of the assailants. This is probably just another brick in the road that is the war of California vs the Bay Boys. Or maybe Kepley is ex-military and like Captain Barnes in Gotham, will come down hard and fast.

We shall see.

References ^ long-winded piece in the LA Times (

Eccles is saved: Pope Francis agrees to forgive Jesus

In his homily for the Feast of the Holy Family, Pope Francis had this to say 1 : Instead of returning home with his family, he stayed in Jerusalem, in the Temple, causing great distress to Mary and Joseph who were unable to find him. For this little “escapade”, Jesus probably had to beg forgiveness of his parents. The Gospel doesn’t say this, but I believe that we can presume it. “Now, about your Guardian articles, Father Fraser…” Clearly Pope Francis has forgiven Our Lord for “going about His Father’s business”, and in this Year of Mercy it is only right that a truly humble Pope should point out God’s sins and try to forgive them.

No previous Pope has even dared to try. Another famous sin that only Pope Francis can forgive was the drowning of the Gerasene (or Gadarene) Swine. You will recall that there was a man possessed by demons – probably he led a fulfilling lifestyle as an alternative comedian on Radio 4, with a huge Twitter following – and his demons were driven out into the pigs, and thence into the sea.

Jesus cureth the alternative comedian. For a long time after, Farmer Giles wondered what had happened to his pigs, but did he receive any apology – let alone compensation – from Jesus? I think not.

It is time for Pope Francis, on behalf of the entire Catholic Church, to forgive Jesus’s thoughtless actions. On another occasion Jesus drove people out of the Temple with a whip of knotted cords – whenever anyone says “What would Jesus do?” this is certainly an answer I like to give. The Bible says the people were selling pigeons and changing money, but it is likely that they were also doing even more heinous things. “Luckily he hasn’t seen that we’re also selling copies of the Tablet!” Jesus was obliged to apologise for losing his temper in this way.

In the immortal words of Pope Francis: The Gospel doesn’t say this, but I believe that we can presume it.

Having, in his short reign, attacked the entire Catholic Church, from the Curia downwards, Pope Francis is naturally anxious to reconstruct God in his own image, and we look forward to reading more stories of the Holy Father mercifully forgiving God’s sins over the next few months.

References ^ this to say (